Hello KooKooBabes!
Last month I was asked to give my little cousin "The talk" because she got her first fifth grade boyfriend and in this day and age you never know how young they'll start. I was giving her this talk in the car on the way home and at one point I was giving her examples of how to be in control of herself and she has the power and if she gives it up she could end up very hurt how I was hurt recently. She looked confused and turned to me saying "but you didn't have a boyfriend". Which she was right I haven't had a boyfriend for a very long time, but does that mean I can't have my heart broken?
The answer that has taken me a while to discover is no; you don't always have to be in a relationship with a person for them to break your heart. You can be like me and wear your heart on your sleeve and when that guy you think is so special comes around, he can easily break it. This happened to me recently; I started a thing with a guy and I "caught feelings" as everyone is calling it now and, whoever pitched me those feelings is definitely in the majors because it was a hard, fast, straight down the strike zone pitch of feelings. The problem was, he didn't feel the same but he still continued to mind-fuck me and string me along for nine long months. In the end he finally was over me and decided to cut me out of his life completely. Without notice and without a reason why-when I confronted him-but with some public comments like a sub-tweet or two and a sub-instagram. Now, that could all be in my head but I'm pretty sure it was about me. Either way it broke me, even now while I write this my chest gets tight and tears start to come to the surface because it was so sudden.
I got my heart broken and it is still broken; he tore it in two and there's a lot of stitches needed to put it back together and those stitches aren't all in one go. Oh no, I'm still not even close to a fully repaired heart and every time I think about it I pull at the stitches I've worked hard to get. The comment my cousin made for example is perfect for pulling at those already made stitches. How do you explain to someone that a person you weren't even in a relationship with broke your heart? It sounds absolutely insane! Truly it sounds like I'm insane, but in this society it really isn't. A lot of people aren't committing to just one person-or they are but cheating with several others-but that doesn't stop them from finding someone who wants to be that one person and taking them for everything we are willing to give. Which I am responsible for it partly because I am so willing to give someone I really want to have something with almost everything. I set myself up for it, I listened to what everyone told me not to do, I nodded and smiled and then I did what I wanted and it's ended up not too great. I'm hurt and raw and I hate this feeling for a broken heart. I hate that fact that I know we wont end up together, I hate how I know I won't fall asleep in his arms or get to know anything more about him. I even hate how I even wanted any of that to happen and thought it could happen! It makes it that much harder to deal with this, what also makes it that much harder is knowing I'm going to have to see him in five weeks and I'm going to have to act like I'm not burning up on the inside.
A broken heart is never fun and it isn't something I wish onto anyone, I don't even wish this pain onto the guy who broke it. No, in fact I pray for him every week, I pray to god that he one day will realize how much I gave up for him and how much I actually cared about him. Maybe he will see it and maybe he won't either way a prayer to god can't hurt anyone, and in a way it helps me heal. With the strength of god and the strength he gives me, and I give myself I will one day recover. My heart will be fully stitched and I will have learned from my mistakes. Hopefully I will be willing to give it to another person in full confidence they won't tear at the seems. Until that day I will work to make my heart on a sleeve whole again.
XXX ILY times a Milli, NikkieSharpie XXX
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